Other Jokes

A Desperado rides into town and downs a few drinks at the saloon. When he steps outside again, he finds his horse has been stolen. The Desperado swears, steps back into the bar, and fires a round into the piano. The room goes dead silent. “I’m gonna have one more beer,” the Desperado bellows to the terrified crowd, “and if my horse ain’t back where I left him when I’m done, I’ll do here what I had to do in Houston.”

The locals murmur uneasily as the Desperado sips his drink. Lucky for them all, when he steps outside again his horse has been returned. As the Desperado saddles up, a local can’t help but ask, “Sir, what exactly was it you had to do in Houston?”

The Desperado narrows his eyes and hisses at the man, “I had to walk home.”

A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.

“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born in The Andes where I herded for an entire village. Years later, I joined the mounted police force in New York and helped keep the city clean. And now, I spend my days giving free rides to underprivileged kids here in the country.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the horse’s owner, Murphy, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of such an incredible animal?”

Murphy said, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that. "

In her quest for a few extra bucks, Patricia drags a shiny metal receptacle across Dublin, headed for the Antiques Roadshow.
“Wow, this is quite the item you have here. Where did you come across it?”, asks the expert.
“Up in de attic. Been gathering dust up dere for decades,” explains Patricia. “My grandfather was in de navy. Maybe it’s one of doze real rare war memorabilia people go mad over?”
“Yaas, I seee,’ hums the expert as she peruses the item. ‘Now, tell me, Patricia. Do you have insurance?’‘
“No”, says Patricia, licking her lips, “Do you feel it might be necessary?”
“I do, I do”, replies the expert. “This, my dear woman, is your water tank.”

My wife says " Men. You just don't understand. "

Well, I do. I think my wife is hard of hearing.

I though my wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, I called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told me that there is a simple informal test that I could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here’s what you do said the doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not go to 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a response. Later that day when I got home from the pub I saw her in the kitchen cooking dinner and I was in the hallway, I though tomyself I’m about 40 feet away let’s see what happens. In a normal tone, I asked “My darlin what’s for dinner my wonderful lovely?” No response so I moved closer 30 feet and I said ” Sweet wife what’s for fookin dinner ?”. Still no response.

I moves closed about 20 feet. “Woman, for Christ’s sake can ye be telling me what’s for dinner ?” Still nothing and again at 10 feet still nothing. So I walked up behind her and said Shirley can you tell me what’s for dinner?

She replied,
FOR FOOKS SAKE PADDY FOR THE FIFTH TIME CHICKEN!!!
Women.

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of
water down throat to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.

Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.